Esophogeal Manometry Test

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of experiencing an Esophogeal Manometry test. I'm thinking they should probably rename this PURE HELL...just my opinion.  Here is a little info about the test:

During the test

• You are not sedated. However, a topical anesthetic (pain-relieving medication) will be applied to your nose to make the passage of the tube more comfortable.
• A small (about 1/4 inch in diameter), flexible tube is passed through your nose, down your esophagus and into your stomach. The tube does not interfere with your breathing. You will be seated while the tube is inserted.
• You may feel some discomfort as the tube is being placed, but it takes only about a minute to place the tube. Most patients quickly adjust to the tube’s presence. Vomiting and coughing are possible when the tube is being placed, but are rare.
• After the tube is inserted, you will be asked to lie on your left side. The end of the tube exiting your nose is connected to a machine that records the pressure exerted on the tube. The tube is then slowly withdrawn. Sensors at various locations on the tubing sense the strength of the lower esophageal sphincter and the muscles of the esophagus. During the test, you will be asked to swallow a small amount of water to evaluate how well the sphincter and muscles are working. The sensors also measure the strength and coordination of the contractions in the esophagus as you swallow.
• The test lasts 20 to 30 minutes. When the test is over, the tube is removed. The gastroenterologist will interpret the recordings that were made during the test.

Now that is just the nice way of saying what is going to happen during the test.  Let me give you my version of the events:

• The nurse takes an air can (like you use to clean a keyboard) and inserts that long red straw thingy into your nose. She tells you that you will feel a cold sensation that may make your eyes water a little. She asks if you are ready, and thinking "how bad can a little cold air be," you say sure! Next thing you know, you feel like someone has put acid into said air can! Tears are rolling...you are aren't crying...this is an inadvertent reaction to the acid substance that just blew off the left side of your face. Now you are told to hold still for the next little surprise!
• A sweet little syringe makes it's way into the same nostril that you are quite sure doesn't even exist any longer, and liquid lidocaine proves to you that it is still there. Oh God the burn!!! You are told to swallow the lidocaine as it makes it's way from your nasal cavity into your throat...yep, now your throat is on fire!
• A cotton swab with a vaseline type substance is then placed into your nostril. Then out of the sterile silver tray that has been covered this entire time, you are introduced to the catheter of death! 1/4 inch my ass...more like a garden hose! The nurse tells you that as the catheter is inserted into your nose you may experience gagging and/or vomiting. This doesn't sound glamorous at all! The catheter starts up your nostril and proceeds down your throat. Even though you had the whole fun lidocaine experience, you still feel every centemeter of this gargantuan tube making it's way into your esophagus. Lucky for you, the nurse tells you "Wow, you have no gag reflex!" You give yourself a mental pat on the back and then realize that the comment could be misinterpreted in a sexual way. That makes you giggle a bit...not a good thing to do when said catheter is now in your throat.
• The tube is now in place, and the procedure begins. You are made to swallow 10 viles of salt water...absolutely disgusting...with this monstrosity in the way. You feel as if a beach ball is lodged in there!  After the 10th vile, you want to puke from the taste of the salt water, not the damn tube.
• Now it is time to pull the tube out. You will know to expect pain when the tech says, "Well I know you hated me through this entire procedure, but you are REALLY gonna hate me now!"  Holy hell...what next?? The tube is slowly pulled out of your nose. Imagine a garden hose with thorns all over it being pulled back out of your nose AFTER the wee bit of numbness has worn off from the lidocaine! PURE HELL!

I do not consider my version of the events an exaggeration on any level.  It is all TRUE! Just another reason to carefully consider all of the pros/cons of this surgery before going through the process.  This is not for the faint of heart.  Be prepared for some craptastic procedures...all of which have to be done in order to proceed to the next step.